Angelic Groove: Groove with me through the dark nights...

Yes, I did it again. I caused unhappiness to my parents on Tuesday by announcing that I would like to change my religion.

If you didn't notice my previous posts in either this blog or my old blog, when I reached 21, I wrote that I would like to seek my own identity in life because

a) I feel I have no aim in life at all.
b) I feel like a person who just follows other peoples' wishes
c) Because of this, I lack of true confidence and I feel very lost at times.

So, I decided that I shouldn't just blindly follow my parents' religion but to seek for more knowledge on their religion and if that is not what I believe in, I shall look at other religions.

I find Taoism really simple, too simple in fact. My family prays mainly to Kuan Yin, but there are other deities that we'd prayed to. But I think what we are doing is too simple, it feels like nothing to me. We go to the temple, offer incense sticks to the deities, then offer our own prayers then leave the temple. All I do if I have problems is to pray and hope that Kuan Yin goddess can help me. I feel kinda useless in a way. Because everything is fate, everything is arranged for you.

But Kuan Yin isn't from Taoism at all, Kuan Yin is actually a buddhisattva, one of the disciples of Buddha. I heard from my dad that Kuan Yin is borrowed over from Buddhism to Taoism. So after much thought, I looked into Buddhism instead. Just when I have no idea where to search, I found out that a person I know is a buddhist and being a curious me, I decided to ask for guidance from that person.

From then on, I didn't look back. I was really convinced because the things i believed in in life (karma, reincarnation, cause n effect) really are the basis of Buddhism and I want to do something in my life to eradicate my bad karma that I've accumulated in this life and even my past lives. I shall not preach the contents here, else you may just fall asleep, hahaha...

But anyway, on Tuesday, I decided to talk to my parents and hope that I can get their acceptance to become a Buddhist follower. Frankly speaking, I am really happy and I feel a sense of self-identity when I made my decision to become a buddhist. But when I told my parents, all hell broke loose. haha..

They think I am too young to commit myself to a religion, that I shouldn't be too devoted and that religion is just a part of life. They think I have no say in this too because I am not financially independent, which I find this reason illogical because what has religion got to do with being financially independent???

My dad talked to me based on his own knowledge, and I know he makes sense. But my mum is really illogical. But I do not blame her. In order for me to go to the centre to pray, I gave excuses, telling her I went out with friends. I know I have did something bad, that is why I decided to tell them so that I can now live my life honestly.(minus the cosplaying though...that I wouldn't dare tell them at all!) My mum was really upset for not telling her anything until the very last minute, but how can I tell her when I know she will force me to stop going if I told her in the first place? But I know it was really wrong to lie to her and I know I have lost the trust she had in me again.

I only did this kind of 'never tell and then 'fess up' twice. 4 years ago, I didn't tell my parents I was going out with my ex. Something bad happened and I was forced to tell. Do you think I dare to tell them if I know my parents are very strict? Knowing my parents would kill me if I have a boyfriend, I attempted to keep my relationship with my then-boyfriend a secret. But as I said, an incident happened and I had to tell. The second time was this, the whole religion issue.

I really think my mum over-reacts in this. My dad talked to me that night and never mentioned it again. But my mum continued to have a 'talk' with me which is more of a one-way communication from her side. And she kept thinking that my break-up with my ex has something to do with the religion, which I kept insisting a no. And she kept thinking that I am being reckless because I broke off my 4 year relationship so easily. That's when I could no longer stand it and told her off for saying that. I told her it is not as if I want to wait for 4 years and just break it off. I told her once again, the reasons why I broke off with him and I added those that I didn't want her to know. I think I got her convinced my ex wasn't such a good boyfriend after all.

But that didn't stop her from talking about the whole religion issue. She said that I keep creating problems for her, that she's already very stressed and I gave her more stress. That she is worried because I always hide matters from her and then suddenly tell her stuff that will shocked her. That I really have too much time to spare to think of this kind of things. That SHE IS GOING TO STOP XIAOBAI AND MY JAPANESE LESSONS! (just because the relgion is japanese buddhism..-__-'')

Now you know why I can never tell her about my stuff. She can really link one unrelated thing to the other and I am really exaspperated by what she says. I told her to not implicate xiaobai in it, but I think she may just stop it. *sighs* Sorry xiaobai..T_T I must say sorry because this has nothing to do with you and yet..sigh..

But frankly speaking, I should have expected such an outcome, because in the first place, my relationship with my parents especially with my mum is just...bad..is like what Yuki in Fruit Basket says, that the buttons are wrongly buttoned onto the the shirt. From the very beginning, because of my parents, my sisters grew up to be kinda fearful of our parents. I do not dare to speak up, I do not dare to go out without permission, I do not dare to tell the truth thus I lie. That's why I don't communicate with my parents especially my mum because I think whatever I say may suddenly hit a nerve in them and they will either start nagging, or scolding me. Like my ex used to say, I have 'mother phobia'. hahahaha...

But this is something I have gotten by throughout my teenage years till now. But I wanted to improve this relationship with my mum. I will build back the trust she has in me again, but I am hoping that she will slowly open up and see things in her childrens' point of view, instead of just her's. When that day comes, I will really learn to love her and treat her even better. I hope that day will really come. -_-''

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